I’m still doubting, clouding my mind about You. There is no insight about You. But I want to desire You. To love You more than myself. It is not easy to fully accept You. I don’t know why but something that keeps me holding my faith.
I had a wonderful conversation last wednesday with my colleague. She is a born again christian. I am a catholic so there were differences among us in terms of faith. I ask her, why do you believe in Him? Why does these people who are so much devoted and passionate in loving Christ? I admited to her that I have doubts loving Him. Then she replied:
” He, does exist. People have this deepest faith because God created us. There are things that science cannot explain. The earth, the sun, the day, and even us. Faith is something you dont have to witness by means of act, apparitions, its about believing for what you are seeing.” I was stunned by what she said. Yet, shameful of myself due to my doubts. Then she said one thing that I will remember throughout my life: “You know what, you are not disapproving Him, but you seek to desire Him”. It was a strange conversation I could say. From different views and beliefs, it was amazing how we can relate to the core of the conversation.
That moment, I was strucked and I inspired, atleast, I am desiring Him. I must know Him deeply by reading bible. My eyes was teary that time. I also told her that maybe its the other way around. It could be that, He is also desiring me. Its just me who cannot accept Him. How?
When I met my friends. There was a time that I was invited to join the badminton game. I know I am not much engage to them since high school, I am very far away from there friendships. But these people, they open the gates of knowing deeply Jesus Christ. We went to different holy places: churches, sacred places, seminars about catholicism, etc.
Since then, I feel the sense of knowing Him closer. Then there was a time when Matthew, my friend invited me to join the Youth Minstry. I know that it is not easy to become a member of a catholic group. I must loyal and faithful to Christ. But, if this is God’s will, then I must accept it. And I become a member of the Youth Ministry.
Its God’s way of desiring me to become His son. It’s just me that who cannot open my doors to accept Him. I know, desiring Him is not easy, but there is always a day that reminds me that:
“I, must not worry about loving Him. For He is just beside me, today, tomorrow and forever.”